This is a timed post.. Now I am probably actually on my way to run errands etc.:) Hopefully you'll have a great day! I'm sure I will, but it'll be a busy one.
I thought to add here a bunch of photos of myself. First I thought to make it alot of posts here with photos but as I realized that after my laptop crashed I had lost alot of photos before 2007, then it seemed like I might make it just one long post with tons of photos.

ps! The baby on the first photo is not mine, hehe.:p
pps! The photos are in random order!

Now I will finish with my new header for the blog and then will go to sleep. Lots to do tomorrow.:)

Godnatt!

If it's something I love, it is to cook and bake. I probably got it from my mom as she was always baking and cooking alot of different things. And I loved it! Also I learned alot about it just by watching her, but she also let me to join in too, if I wanted to try something. I dont think I could ever be so patient if I should ever want to have kids.
Whenever I have friends over, I like to cook for them. Or even if it's just a gamenight we have or such, I atleast prepare some snacks for the evening, not a whole dinner. Also, it's no problem to cook up coffee/tea and omelettes at 4am if they should get hungry.
I like to surprise people I care about with little things, and one of them could also be serving nice dinner for them. It makes me happy to make others happy.
My favorite cuisine is most likely Italian. I love how it's so simple, fresh and you can taste the 'real' flavours of what you eat. Though I do also love Thai food for example too, so it varies, just like everything in my life when it comes to liking something it seems. hehe.
I remember that when I was younger and got home from school and started to cook lunch for myself, I always pretended that I was in a restaurant. First I was the customer, then I was the servant, then the cook, then the servant again and then the (happy) client, who ate it all up. I guess I had watched too many cooking shows, when I was in the kitchen preparing the meal.:)
As I have lived alone most of the time, yet coming from a big family, I've been having the problem of always cooking too much. So it's been common that I always either invite someone over for a meal or go visit someone and either take something with that I have prepared before or cook or bake something especially for that.
One of my latest discoveries when it comes to preparing food, was to bake own bread. It is delicious!
Unfortunately I usually forget to take photos of the things that I cook, but atleast I found one photo of lasagne, though bad quality but - I want lasagna now!!

How great it is to wake up with the sun shining?! ..with feeling the warm sunrays on your face.
..if I wouldn't know, it'd feel like summer!:)

I am spending the day with my sister today, but before I go, I need to get ready. And I'm doing that while listening to music, so I thought to let you in on a part of my musictaste too. A part of it, because I listen to alot of different music.


Magnetic Man ft John Legend - Getting Nowhere

Magnetic Man ft. Katy B - Perfect Stranger

Oskar Linnros - Debut

ATB - Believe In Me

ATB - Fields Of Love

Kosheen - Overkill

Veronica Maggio - Jag Kommer

Laters!

Like I wrote on one of my previous posts, I got some unexpected news. First I got a really good news and then the unexpected one. So, what were the news about?
Firstly - I got a new job!!!! The one I was really hoping to get, but tried not to get too excited about it just in case. But yes, it's great news and right when I got the call with the positive news, I called my mom and made her day happy (happier) too!:) I love to make people happy, even if it should be the littlest of things.
This job will give me a whole lot of responsibility that I love to have, it's versatile, your working days would never be exactly the same, gives me the opportunity to be in Stockholm fairly often and also the schedule would be 2 weeks work, 2 off - vacation every month! hehe.. nah, I meant that it means I can everything else that I like-want to do aside that job. How great is that!!:)

But the other thing.. I got to know that I need to move out of my rental asap. So, as I got that news on Thursday, it was about to take action fast fast fast. Which I did.. the same evening I had already found an apartment I liked online .. the next day made a call to the real-estate agent, set up a meeting the same evening at 7pm, sent him an email after thinking about it a bit later, today made another appointment to sign the contract on Monday!! Things really can change so fast in ones life, it seems ridiculous. So even if I now will be a ton of money "poorer", it is so worth it!

So this month is about home decorations and furnishing and also a bit of travelling and many, many meetings with my lovely friends. This time in my new home and also in Stockholm, where I will be atleast once this month, probably twice.:) I am so happy!

This is probably one of the hardest things for me to write about.. I dont even know what to write.

I had a wonderful childhood up until I was 7 years old and my grandmother died. I have wonderful memories before that time. I got along with my parents, I adored them!
Eventually as a couple of years passed, I needed to learn how to be really indenpendent as my mom got a new job further away from home and my father started to have really long workingdays as he was running his own business. My sisters and brother were all older than me and already moved out, so .. I spent alot of time on my own after school etc. I cooked and cleaned when needed, did my homework.. Well, everything that was needed to be done. For a small kid it's quite alot to take on, even if I didn't see it like that at the time. It was ok at first, but then my mothers working schedule changed so that she was away for 2 weeks in a row. So all of a sudden - I was the one taking care of the household. By the time, drifting from my parents had already started.
I didn't remember my father being as tough on me before, but he did start to be that atleast. I dont know if it was because he felt that acting like that, he had more control over what was going on, because otherwise he was working all the time and wouldn't have known.. eventhough I was managing fine. Atleast up to a point - I had close friends, I was bright and in general a happy kid. But eventually I changed from being the happy energetic kid, who was trusted to the girl who was staying at home cooking, cleaning and doing my homework during the weeks my mom was away because of work. My father didn't like the few friends I had (left) where I lived, my best friend (whom he liked), had moved away too and he was controlling what I did and who I was with constantly. Even the kids were all good kids too, he basicly said I cant be friends with them any longer. Kids can be cruel so eventually all of that lead to teasing. I did have a couple of friends left though, but they lived further away too so we didn't have the opportunity to spend time together after school/during the weekends..
All of the stress of firstly being away from my mom from a very young age, having my father act like he did, which resulted in not having friends, being teased etc lead to phsychological problems. I was scared of everything and everyone mostly etc. I "learned" to keep my worries to myself as I didn't have anyone to tell them to .. all of that tension was building and building throughout the years starting from when my grandmother died, all through highschool (could easily be the worst time of my life) and eventually breaking up with my boyfriend. That breakup was what triggered my depression too.
As I was still financially dependant of my parents right after highschool too, I needed to go to university straight from highschool without having a clue of what I want to study. I needed to, because that was "how things needed to go". After the first year, I was already working and quit with the uni for the time being. Needless to say my father was furious.
Eventually I quit my job and moved to Spain as I couldn't take Estonia anymore .. I quit speaking to anyone from my family, I came back, was in Sweden, broke up with my boyfriend, got the depression, my fears and fobies got worse, yet I still didn't tell anyone what I was going through. When I was on my way of healing, I decided to go to university again .. yet again I had to get under the influence of my father, because I wasn't applicable for a student loan to pay the tuition. His power is (was) money, when he was paying, meant he had the power. I realised eventually I could not take it longer and that if I want to heal, I need to stop accepting his support and when I am able to pay for my school for myself, go back. And that is the road I am on now..
When I was small I was always blaming my mother of things my father did.. I love her to bits! And have apologized for the heartache I've caused her, she is the best! Eventhough we are two different people, we get along great and I really love her alot! As for my father .. I haven't seen nor talked to him for over a year now.
Time will tell how it'll go with that in the future.

I know this wasn't exactly that much about my parents, but as I dont have many memories with them, I chose to write more about how our relationships are.. Perhaps now through this text, you know again a bit more about me..

So.. now I am finally back in business with blogging! I also decided today that I will change the design of the blog and make a header. It's my first one I've ever done, but it's ok .. I'm happy with it, eventhough I'll change a photo or two in it soon.:) I want(ed) to choose photos that represent a part of what this blog is about and what I like/am about. So .. in general - a part outfits, a part parties, a part cooking, a part personal.
But now I'll continue with the 30-dagarslistan. Though thistime the topic is not something I want to write about..

Got some unexpected news just less than 2hrs ago. So now it's just to deal with it...
I'll be back when it's done and over with.

Actually .. this made me think that maybe it's a sign that it's time.....

For the first time in my 23 years of age I can say that I am too old.:D
I found an ad for a really interesting project in Bulgaria end of this month, but .. you'd have to be between 17-22 years of age. Hihi, 6 months too late.;)

This blog has gotten a very personal and somewhat sad-negative start. But do not let that 'fool' you.. I am actually a positive thinking person and atleast most of the time really do feel happy.

Today I have been spending time with my niece and therefore I am really tired now. Have just landed in bed so that means goodnight!:)
Until tomorrow!

As I am not using my own laptop at the moment when writing this, I will not be able to add any photos I'm on/taken by me.. so it'll be 2 that I googled for..
I will tell you 2 stories, because I couldn't decide wheter to tell a story about my first love as a child or when I was grown up.. so that is why it'll be both.

We were living in the same little village where I am from and we were about the same age. We were best friends and were out and about every day. We really liked eachother.. when we met a girl who became my later best friend and our "3rd in the bunch", we became even closer as we were spending even more time together. It was always us 3 and she knew how much we liked eachother. Ofcourse during the time it was really innocent as we weren't even in to double-digits yet when it came to age but still. I still remember the first time we held hands. It was on my birthday, that we celebrated together, just us 3.. played hide-and-seek, dressed up, laughed like crazy and had tons of fun. We were sitting on the couch next to eachother, with a pillow between us for it not to be seen and held hands..
We never were a couple or anything but there was always this liking eachother.. until we got into the teenage-years and a girl who I thought was my friend, turned her back on me because that boy liked me and then.. he turned his back on me too. So there it all ended. We stopped communicating and now.. now I dont even know what he is doing in his life.

 

One time in Stockholm I agreed to go pick up some lamps for a friend that she had ordered. I stepped in to this store on Karlavägen.. walked up to the counter and saw him. I thought he was working there as he was sitting behind a desk doing something on the computer. I said hi and told him why I was there. He seemed a bit confused but not enough to get me thinking that he actually is not working there. He stold me to wait and went upstars to talk with another guy who was working there. They were talking there for a few minutes and eventually came downstairs again. I again told for who and why I was there. They checked from the computer that just one lamp had gotten delivered and asked wheter I want to pick thatone up already. I said yes, they both looked at eachother and then asked me for an ID, they told they need to make a copy of it. I gave them my ID, they made the copy and then asked me for my number so that they could call me if the other lamp should get in. I thought that it's a bit weird as they anyway had my friends' number who had ordered the lamps but still gave them the number. I was staying in Stockholm at the time anyway.. After I had gotten the lamp, I stepped out of the store not thinking it was 'suspicious' at all..
Next day in the afternoon my phone beeped and I had gotten a sms. It was from a number I didnt know. A swedish number. I opened the text and it said: "Hi, I am M..., we met yesterday at the store. I liked you and that is why I/we asked for your number. I hope you dont mind.. I would like to see you again, date? M"
I was surprised at first and then got excited, I knew then that he didn't actually work there and I knew whichone of them "M" was.. I answered back after a bit saying that yes we can meet up and the same evening .. we went for dinner and later movies. I am almost sure that we went to see some James Bond movie. We had a great time and "hit it off" right when we saw eachother again when he came to meet me where I lived at the time. We had a great time and felt comfortable to be around eachother. After the dinner and movies we were walking around the city. It was christmas time and the windows of NK were designed really nicely.. we stopped at one of the windows to look at it and then.. we kissed. It was a magical kiss that happened at the rightest of time. It was perfect. And I had butterflies.
We started to see eachother every day and fell in love. Not long after we met we 'decided' that we are in a relationship. I couldn't be happier. We couldn't be happier. We were really loving it, both of us, and fell deeper and deeper in love. I was often in Stockholm and after almost 2 years we decided to move in together. We had found us an apartment in Östermalm and moved in.. I was happy, he was happy and living together seemed to suit us. We were discussing about getting a house out of town. As we anyway travelled fairly often the idea of a house just out of town seemed like a good idea to have a calm surrounding after our daily more stressful days. When we were walking on the streets and walked by some realestate offices and saw ads for houses-apartments on the windows we stopped and looked at them and dreamed of living in one together... It didn't happen.
Eventually something changed. He said it was work and he was stressed and tired. He was carrying around his phone everywhere, like he was afraid of something..
Again it was December and we had tickets to go to Prague for a small getaway trip. We arrived in Prague, the hotel had arranged a driver for us to pick us up from the airport and drive us to the hotel. We got it and went streight to the 8th floor - the executive floor. He wanted to surprise me and had booked us the executive suite. We were greeted personally with a glass of champagne and were checked in. We got to our room. As it was still fairly early, we went on the town to have dinner. Before we dressed us up a bit and went out.. stepped into this lovely Italian restaurant in the old town and had a great dinner. Got back to the hotel and really had an amazing time. It was like I had forgotten how he seemed afraid of me suspecting something.. until one day when he was still asleep and went to the living room at the hotel, sat down on the couch to look through the roomservice menu. His phone was next to me charging. I didn't pay much attention to it until it lit and he had gotten a sms.. it was possible to see the senders name and the first few words of it. I saw the name of a girl and the words "I miss you.." on the screen. I kept my calm then and decided not to confront him then. The rest of the time of our holiday passed and we were on our flight home to Stockholm. He wasn't the same, something had changed again.
In the meantime just before christmas I was on a short trip to Tallinn to meet my family. It was just for a couple of days as we thought to spend the holidays together. I got back home to Stockholm.. The same night, he told me he had cheated on me. I cried, he cried .. we screamed, we hugged, we kissed, cried and screamed again. It was emotional. My heart was broken, he said he loves me but loves "her" aswell. I was crushed. We broke up.
I packed some of my things at 4am and took a taxi to a nearby hotel. Checked in, went to my room and cried. Cried until the morning, sent a text to a friend of mine who was in town at the time, told her what happened and she came and picked me up. Needless to say I was devastated. My heart was just crushed. I loved that man with all of my heart..
That is how our story ended. A sad story but that was the story of my first 'real' love. It was great until it lasted..

The time was 02.00.. Tears started to slide down my face. More and more of them came. I was crying more and more. My heart started pounding, my head started to hurt, I started to shiver, got dizzy and got really cold. I was hyperventilating and couldn't catch a breath.. I got scared - this hadn't happened in a long time now?! Why now?
I desperately tried to start breathing deeply and get some tempo so it would calm me down. But I just couldn't concentrate which made my fear even worse.. I was in total panic and didn't succeed with breathing calm and deep.
..it lasted for about 25 minutes. The slowest 25 minutes I have had in a long time.
The fear of losing all controll you have is just.. a nightmare.
Somewhat weird that it triggered today.. right after I had written a bit about it in my previous post. And then this.

Actually I just had anotherone.. a bit shorter one. I will be honest and say that I am scared.
In some sense I am happy that noone was here when it happened because I can imagine it can be a very helpless feeling when someone is going through it and you cant do anything..

But I love how I have people in my life to whom I have talked about this and really are there for me..
I will copy now some supernice words my friends just told me..

*Jag håller tummarna stenhårt för att du ska få ordning på ditt liv och börja må bra. Du är så väl värd det!

*Mmm.. och du klarade dig igenom det..

*Hade jag varit där hade jag peppat dig och stöttat dig än mer :)

*Du är en superbra person.. och jag gillar verkligen dig.. och önskar dig ALL lycka och allt bra! :)

*Mmm.. du kommer klara detta!! :)

*Det är jag helt övertygad om!

*Du är en stark person! Men kanske också det som gör att du lyckats "bunkra in" känslorna och kört på.. och fokuserat så hårt på annat

*Men jag _vet_ du kommer att klara detta, att du kommer att komma må mkt bättre och ta dig vidare i ditt liv :) Du är en stark och bra tjej!
Därav som jag har känt mig så dragen till dig..

*Det kommer det göra :) lite gupp efter vägen, men jag vet du kommer ta dig hela vägen fram. Och jag kommer finnas här och stötta dig.. så länge som jag andas.. oavsett vad som händer..

*Så länge som du vill ha mig här :)

*Men jag vill du ska veta det.. att du betyder mycket för mig.. och att jag alltid finns här för dig..

*Och att du vet det i såna här tider när du har det jobbigt också..

..hopefully I can help someone from my experience some day if it should be needed..
Now I really need to sleep. Tomorrow will be a good day!!!

So here goes.. who am I..?!

I was born year 1987 in a small seaside resort-town called Haapsalu (Hapsal) located on the westcoast of Estonia. Haapsalu and the surrounding area was the center for the Swedish population in Estonia from the 13th century until the evacuation of almost all ethnic Swedes from Estonia in 1944. (So perhaps that's where my love for Sweden comes from..?!:))
But lets continue.. I didn't live in Haapsalu though, but closeby in a village so I was in Haapsalu fairly often.
After I finished with the 9th grade, I moved to the capital city of Estonia - Tallinn. I went to the German Highschool there so by the time I graduated, I had studied german for 10 years already. During highschool I also had the chance to take swedish lessons twice a week and it was the 4th foreign language that I studied there (other languages were german, russian and english).
My time in highschool was not the easiest .. I was not happy about my living situation (I lived with my sister and her boyfriend), because I did not feel like I had home and during weekends she didn't let me stay there even when I wanted to spend time with friends during the weekends so that meant I had to go 'home' to my parents. Also I had by the time been in the center of fighting parents and as my sisters and brother had already moved out, I was alone with that.. I felt alone and homeless. So eventually it had a big effect on my studies and my emotional state all in all. I was not happy, I didnt care about anything. I was stressed and eventually it led to anxiety and panic attacks and depression.  The fact that in basicschool I also was teased at times, did not have a positive effect on my selfesteem. Though that has passed now and friends have said that it's like I have come back to life. That I am happy and positive again. It was a really tough time but I got through it. Actually there is much more to write about why it all happened but I dont want to make this too depressive. The main thing is that now I feel happy and life gets better..

After highschool I went straight to Uni without having any clue what so ever about what I want to study. I did it because "everyone else did it" .. During the 1st year of studies I got a job as an editor at a womens-magazine which made me realize that it was a wrong step to continue studying because it was not what I wanted to study. So I continued to work there. By the time I had worked there for nearly a year, things with the management of the company started to go bad and I didn't feel like a valued employee at the company so I decided to quit and go see the world a bit. A month later I found myself in Marbella, Spain after a week or so of a roadtrip across Europe. Moved in to a villa in Puerto Banus and looked for work.. though I had thought to take a month off. What happened after a month was that I and another friend with whom I was there, decided to leave and go somewhere else. So we booked a flight to Helsinki to stop by from Tallinn and then we had thought to go to England.. that didn't happen.. I ended up going to Stockholm to be with my boyfriend (who is now my ex).. I loved it there and Stockholm became my hometown that I absolutely love. After some time we broke up and that was when I fell apart and had depression. I came back to Estonia to try and get it together but in reality it did not go so well. It was a real rollercoaster and I did things I cant explain to myself now why I did them. But eventually I started to see the sunrays behind the clouds and it was the first big step towards getting better..
Eventually I got back to Uni and majored with Scandinavian languages and cultures, now I am concidering to continue my studies in Sweden.
Now I work again and am also active with some youth-organizations on a volunteer basis and love it! I have gotten friends back in my life with whom I lost contact when I was sick. And I couldn't be happier about it. I still have a few stepbacks along the way but it happens rarely.
As a family is an important part in everyones life and how it'll go then I think I should also mention that my family relations are complicated. I dont communicate with my father nor my eldest sister.. With my mother we are becoming more and more closer and I am happy about that. I also get along very well with my other sister and brother. Time will tell how it'll be in the future but I dont think there will be any change in that matter... eventhough I really do would like having a close family. Parents and siblings I could call to whenever and that we would be like friends who want to spend time together.. Having a fatherfigure.. Having the feeling that I can get help from them whenever I am feeling down or have a problem..

So.. that was a somewhat short text of my background. I didn't think I would get this personal when writing this but it is what it is.. and if I should manage to help someone through speaking about my experiences then I am happy. It's those experiences that have made me who I am today. I have seen alot during my short life and have decided to put those behind me and am happy about that. I am thankful that I have learned to see things positive and - the glass is ALWAYS half full!;)

Hello!
I am back in the blogworld as I am missing to write .. and not just to write for myself but so that others can do it too. So - as the first posts are always harder to write, I thought I will start with a list that has been/is found on many blogs lately - the 30-day list, which goes as follows:

Dag 01 – Presentera mig själv
Dag 02 – Min första kärlek
Dag 03 – Mina föräldrar
Dag 04 – Vad bjuder jag på för mat?
Dag 05 – Vad är kärlek?
Dag 06 – Om det här vore min sista dag
Dag 07 – Min bästa vän
Dag 08 – Ett ögonblick som förändrade allt
Dag 09 – Min tro
Dag 10 – Mitt favoritplagg
Dag 11 – Mina syskon
Dag 12 – I min handväska
Dag 13 – Vardagslyx
Dag 14 – Självporträtt
Dag 15 – Mina drömmar
Dag 16 – Min första kyss
Dag 17 – Mitt favoritminne
Dag 18 – Ett pinsamt ögonblick
Dag 19 – Detta ångrar jag
Dag 20 – Mina förebilder
Dag 21 – Mina dåliga sidor
Dag 22 – Det här upprör mig
Dag 23 – Hur muntrar jag upp mina vänner?
Dag 24 – Det här får mig att gråta
Dag 25 – Det här är jag bra på
Dag 26 – Mina rädslor
Dag 27 – Min favoritplats
Dag 28 – Det här saknar jag
Dag 29 – Det här ska jag bli när jag blir stor
Dag 30 – Min bästa grimas

Although I also speak swedish, I think at first I will write my posts in english, but probably will switch sooner or later.:) So - next post: Dag 01 – Presentera mig själv!